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Why do I feel disconnected during s*x?
Sex is supposed to be intimate and connecting, but sometimes it can feel like you’re just going through the motions. You might be physically present but emotionally far away. This feeling of disconnection, sometimes called dissociation, is very common - and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
Often, this happens because of your nervous system. If a part of you feels unsafe - maybe because of past experiences, stress, or tension in your relationship - your body can slip into a fight, flight, or freeze state. Dissociation is your body’s way of protecting you by "numbing out" or checking out mentally. You might feel numb, anxious, or like you’re watching yourself from the outside.
Your attachment style also plays a role. If you tend to feel anxious in relationships, you might crave closeness but worry about being rejected. If you lean more avoidant, you might instinctively keep some distance to feel safe. These patterns can show up strongly during sex, making true intimacy harder to reach.
Sometimes, there are even inner conflicts at play. A part of you may deeply want intimacy, while another part feels scared or vulnerable. These inner tensions can create a push-pull dynamic, leading to feelings of disconnection or dissociation.
The good news is, there are ways to shift this. Try slowing down and focusing on connection rather than performance. If you notice yourself disconnecting, pause and check in with your body. Most importantly, talk openly with your partner about what you’re feeling. Working with a therapist can help you explore these deeper patterns in a safe, supportive space.
Feeling disconnected or dissociated during sex isn’t a sign of failure—it’s an invitation to understand yourself more deeply and create the kind of intimacy you truly want.
What is Trauma?
Trauma isn’t just about what happened to you - it’s about what happened inside you as a result. It’s the way your body, mind, and nervous system were impacted when something felt overwhelming, unsafe, or too much to handle at the time. It’s not the event itself, but how alone, helpless, or scared you felt in that moment.
Sometimes trauma is clear and obvious. Other times, it’s subtle and builds slowly over time. Growing up without feeling loved or truly seen, experiencing constant stress, or living in an environment where you didn’t feel safe can all leave lasting imprints. Even if nothing “big” happened, your nervous system might still carry the weight of those experiences.
When we go through something overwhelming, our body has automatic survival responses: fight, flight, or freeze. If you couldn’t fight or run, your system might have shut down to protect you. The problem is, sometimes our body stays stuck there, even long after the event is over. This can show up as anxiety, numbness, feeling disconnected, or being easily triggered in ways you don’t fully understand.
For example, someone who grew up in a household where emotions were ignored might find themselves zoning out during arguments, feeling empty during intimacy, or reacting strongly to minor conflicts. These reactions aren’t personal failures - they’re signs that your nervous system is trying to protect you based on past experiences.
The good news is that trauma can be healed. Healing isn’t about forgetting what happened. It’s about helping your body and mind feel safe again. This often starts with creating a safe, supportive relationship - sometimes with a therapist - and slowly reconnecting with your body and emotions. Approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) and polyvagal-informed therapy can help you meet the parts of yourself that carry pain and bring them the care they’ve been needing.
Trauma is not a sign of weakness. It’s a natural response to overwhelming experiences. If you notice patterns of fear, disconnection, or pain in your life, it might be your body’s way of asking for attention and healing. With compassion, support, and time, it is possible to move forward and feel more whole again.
WHy do my partner AND i always have the same fight?
Do you ever feel like you and your partner are stuck in a loop, having the same fight over and over again? Maybe it starts with something small—like the dishes, money, or who initiates intimacy - but somehow it always spirals into the same argument. This is incredibly common, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It usually means there’s something deeper you’re both fighting for.
Beneath the surface-level issues, there are usually vulnerable needs and longings. Maybe you’re really fighting for appreciation, to feel like a priority, or to know that your partner truly sees you. When those deeper needs aren’t met, the fight becomes a way to reach for connection, even if it doesn’t look that way on the outside.
Your attachment style often influences how you fight. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might get louder or more demanding when you feel disconnected, hoping your partner will come closer. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might shut down or pull away to protect yourself. One partner pursues while the other withdraws, and the cycle repeats.
These fights keep coming back because the real issue - the need for love, safety, or belonging - isn’t being fully seen or spoken. You’re not just clashing about chores or money; you’re both fighting for the same thing in different ways.
The key to breaking this cycle is slowing down and tuning into the deeper feelings underneath your anger or frustration. Instead of blaming, try sharing vulnerably: “I feel unimportant when…” or “I really need to know you’re here for me.” When both partners feel safe enough to reveal what they’re truly fighting for, real connection becomes possible.
If this feels too difficult to do alone, working with a therapist can help you untangle these patterns. Together, you can uncover the heart of the conflict and create a new way of relating.
Repeating fights aren’t a sign that love is gone - they’re an invitation to understand each other more deeply and to fight for your relationship, not against each other.